Monday, May 27, 2013

Fiction: Susan's Sticky Adventure

One day, Susan was going to get ice cream. "Oh man," said Susan, "I just love Iced Cream! Licking it, eating it, rubbing it all over my body..."

"What was that last one?"

Susan turned her head to see the form of Jeffery, her best friend in the whole world who was also a magical flying Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle. "Oh, nothing, I just fucking love Ice Cream, man, lay off me. It's not like I masturbate in piles of it or anything."

Failing to detect the lie with his mighty robot brain, Jeffery said "Oh, yes, I too enjoy ice cream. Ingesting it causes my fuel cells to operate at peak efficiency."

"Whatevs, Jeff, just let me mount and ride you all the way to the ice cream parlor."

Jeffery's eyes lit up. He hoped Susan meant sexy times. Alsas, it was never sexy times.

After an hour of sweet ass motorcycle tricks, Susan and her erstwhile companion arrived at the ice cream parlor. As the two walked in, Susan shouted out. "Hey, Pops, get me and order of the usual and prepare the private ro-" she stopped dead in her tracks. "Salazar, you cunt!"

Indeed, in the center of the parlor stood the familiar scarred skin and flapping cloak of Salazar Slint, as he drained the vital fluids of Pops, who lay dead on the floor. Looking up, he said "Yesss, Sssusssan, it isss I, Sssalazzar Ssslint, sssacred cleric of the dark lord Sssatan. And thisss time, you are unable to defeat me." He pulled out a sheet of paper. "For now I have: THE SEVENTH SACRED SCROLL OF THE FORSAKEN SERAPH!" The paper burst into an unholy flame, and the ground opened up into a portal of raw hell energy. The demon souls of the damned, substantiated into physical forms, began to crawl out.

"Shitballs" muttered Susan. Jeffery, you know what to do."

The motorcycle drew out his katanas, then motored into the army of the dead, slicing and dicing for his life.

Susan said "Salazar, you think you've won, but you have no fucking clue. You're clueless. Clues are like zilch. Nada."

"Yesss, I get the picture" hissed Salazar.

Susan nodded and raised her hand. "Left hand of God and sacred Metatron, grant me the power to defeat your brother. Gabriel, activate ABRAHAMMER!" A hammer wreathed in sacred flames appeared. Susan grasped if firmly, and closed the gateway to hell with a holy thunderbolt.

"Damn you, Sssusssan!" Shouted Slint.

"Get bent" said Susan, as ABRAHAMMER knocked Salazar far into the sky. Then YHWH brought Pops back to life, and they all had ice cream sexy times, except for Salazar, who began researching a new spell to defeat Susan and the ABRAHAMMER. But that's a story for another time.

The End

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